Não sou perfeita, mas estou aprendendo!

Yesterday, I watched my host sister return home after finishing her exchange. As she weaved her cart of belongings through the clumps of people, all of her friends and family ran towards her. Each person pulled her close as if love could be passed through their arms. They laughed, they smiled, they hugged, and they showed her how much they loved and missed her.  I couldn't help but get tears in my eyes as I watched these interactions. (Of course, I was the only one to tear up... but that is besides the point.)  As an exchange student, it is very easy to identify with other exchange students, and I often find myself feeling the emotions that they are feeling.  I still cannot look at other exchange students' pictures of their departures because of the immediate trigger of all the feelings that I experienced when I watched my family walk away from the glass on the other side of the security gate.  Exchange students will always have this connection.

The same thing happened when Paula arrived.  I began to see myself in her situation, and I thought about when I would return home to see my family run to me and give me long, awaited hugs.  My brain was beyond confused as I felt the excitement of having a sister again and the slight pain in knowing that my time to experience such a reunion wouldn't be for many more months.

As we piled into the car, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering to Minnesota.  I began to get angry with myself.  My host sister had arrived and all I could think about was my home back in the States?  Everyone was asking her questions, and she was telling stories, but I was in my own thoughts.  Seems quite selfish of me, don't you think?  Let me speak for all the exchange students out there when I say, as an exchange student, you ALWAYS feel guilty when you hold back from conversation. ALWAYS.  Even if you have no clue about what they are talking about, you will still feel guilty.  So then, I had two emotions: anger and guilt.  I was getting myself so worked up that I couldn't even reflect on my thoughts or anything else that was going on around me, for that matter.  I told myself, "You shouldn't miss home. Stop thinking about Minnesota. Stop thinking about Minnesota."

When we arrived at home, I attempted to take a nap, but instead my mind started to think more clearly, so I laid in bed and thought.  I realized that I was wrong.  Missing home is inevitable.  It would be impossible for an exchange student to go through a whole year without missing where they came from.  Suddenly, a thought ran through my head.  "So if homesickness is inevitable, I cannot avoid it. I need to find a way to deal with it."  It sounds like the stupidest and most obvious realization, but I am not joking when I say that the next thought that ran through my head was, "Wow, Annika, you are so smart! That is so right!"

I have found that my homesickness is triggered when I stay at home for a long time, when I skype people in Northfield too often, or when I hear pop music from the United States (strange, huh?).  Here are the cures that I have found: hugs and keeping myself busy.  When I tell my friends that I'm feeling homesick, they don't tell me to stop feeling that way, but instead listen and give me a hug.  Suddenly, my homesickness is gone!  I have found that when I identify that I am missing home, it's much easier to overcome it when I realize that it is normal and I know how to handle it. I am so lucky to have people to listen to me and things to do to keep myself busy!

The other realization that I had was this: I shouldn't keep myself from thinking about Minnesota.  Making an exchange is not about forgetting one's past, but rather, learning how to intertwine the two lives, the two cultures.  No matter what country you were born in, an exchange will always make you more grateful for what you had.  Now, I am so much more grateful for my country, my state, my city, my family, and my friends.  On the other side, I cannot get over my love for Brazil.  My host family has made me feel so much more comfortable here. It really is like home for me.  I love the culture.  The Brazilians that I meet are so warm and welcoming. Sometimes I just look at Brazil and think to myself, "Why isn't the rest of the world this way?"  I see how I want to become because of the things that I have learned here in Brazil.  I know that when I do return home, I want to be Brazilian.  I want to love everyone.  I want to give lots of hugs and kisses.  I want to accept all different types of people.  I want to be able to just "chill out" and appreciate.  How amazing Brazilians are!

The goal of my exchange was to come to this beautiful country and experience the type of people that I had only heard about... and to return to Minnesota with Brazil in my heart and Brazilian love to pass on to the rest of the world.  So, until then, here's to making Annika a stronger, more loving, and compassionate Brazilian!